Arrow's Guide to Training Humans

Since Arrow arrived, my owner mom has read lots of books about dogs. Books about having 2 dogs. Books about teaching dogs to do stuff. Not to do stuff. The other day she even talked to a dog trainer on the phone.

Yesterday I found a manuscript. Arrow is writing his own book about training people! He had it hidden under my blanky in my cage. Here is some of what he wrote:

A Dog’s Guide to Training Your Humans

To train humans, you have to be bad. Really bad. Humans don’t notice you if you’re good. Sure, they’ll pet you. Rub your belly. But they don’t shower you with treats. And all that Good Doggie praise.

If you’re bad enough, humans think they have to train you. It starts with Sit. Sit. Get a treat. You can just sit and look up at them and get a treat. They are easy to train.

Outside I pick stuff up. We walk on leashes in the city so there’s lots of stuff. Even in the country there are furry parts of animals and other yummy stuff. My human says Drop it! I drop it and get a treat. All I have to do when I want a treat is pick up a piece of garbage somewhere. Humans are real easy to train.

Now I know what you’re thinking: Why should I drop some chicken bone for a treat I always get? Because you can get those treats whenever you want. And if you are sneaky you can get the street treats too. Just eat them fast and don’t make a fuss about them.

Chew things. Anything. Shoes. Newspapers. Knitting. That gets you delicious chews and bones. Humans are easy to train.

Pooping and peeing in the house can get you lots of walkies. My owner mom was always taking me out. Outside she started giving me treats when I pooped! I kept having “accidents”. More walkies. Better treats. Double treats. Pieces of sausage and hot dog. Amazing things for just pooping outside. It took her about six months to realize that it didn’t matter when she walked me. Humans are slow learners. Use that. Now I mostly poop outside. For DOUBLE treats.

Being really bad in the house can get you out more. Things like barking a lot or running around like crazy. Humans think you must have more exercise. Longer walkies. Doggie day care. Dog parks. Fun places where you can run around and smell lots of butts. Maybe they’ll even move like Jon Katz who bought a farm in Vermont when his dog got in trouble in the burbs. (I read his book before I ate the cover.)

That is just the beginning! Arrow is sooo sneaky. It’s true. I almost never got treats before his bad self moved in!